Profiling the Fruitcake
by SailorSilvanesti
Summary: Prompt Fic  When there's a hole in the ceiling and your Genius is waiting for a talking Grapefruit, you know there's something wrong. Emily is NOT having a good day, Bellatrix got captured again... it's up to her and Reid to do some Rescuin'... Review.


**Disclaimer: Believe me... if owned either of these two fandoms [Criminal Minds, Harry Potter], you would KNOW... there would be a hell of a lot more slash...**

**So, I saw the prompt...and got a random idea. ENJOY.**

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><p><strong>Prompt:<strong> Bellatrix Lestrange/Emily [Criminal Minds]. 'Grapefruit'. No Preference, Anything Goes.

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><p><strong>Profiling the Fruitcake<strong>

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Emily Prentiss stared through the plexi-glass screen, a mixture of amusement and exasperation on her features. This was the third time this month! Any other time she could be understanding about this, but seriously, this was her one night off and the whole team had just gotten back from taking down an international group of serial killers running rampant in Chicago, then New York, then all the way to Texas…

All that Jet Lag was starting to compound upon her, the adrenaline was way past gone and she could almost no longer see straight…and then Bella had to go and do something as stupid as this… Emily resisted the overwhelming urge to bang her head against the screen until it cracked open like a piñata…

"Actually, that's not physically possible… more likely your brain matter would splatter all over the- oh, you were being sarcastic…" came the tired, yet ridiculously cheerful voice of Dr Spencer Reid, to her right. Apparently, she had spoken aloud at some point. "You, uh, you still are, Emily…" he pointed out helpfully.

"Damn…" she grunted, "Help me get her out of there? I will totally hook you up with the witch or wizard of your choice if you do… I see the way you look at that Weasley boy, Rod or something?" He wiggled uncomfortably, but couldn't let the matter drop to save himself… "It's, uh, Ron…actually. You win, I'll help, as long as I don't have to play dead again…" Reid giggled nervously.

"How do you feel about fainting?" Emily smiled, only half-kidding. Spencer grinned, "Ah, now that I can do… you know, you really should ask her not to kill people… It's not very nice, and she's been caught every single time…" he lowered his voice, "Oh, and not that I condone it, but could you tell her thanks for taking care of… the jocks from my High School…? I'd kiss her myself, but either she'd hex me for fun, or you'd shoot me from behind." The dorky-vest-encased shoulders moved up and down in a nervous shrug.

"Pretty much…" Emily agreed, not exactly allaying his fears at all. "Alright, so if you can somehow get her wand from the-… oh." She blinked as the already-procured item was flashed at her from a secret compartment of Reid's long sleeves. "Right, let's go… 'interview' her… remember, aim to fall away from the desk, and not on me…"

She opened the door to the interview room, "After you…" she gestured.

Upon seeing them, Bellatrix's face lit up with a brilliant smile, "Hello my dark babies, did you want to play…?" she questioned, eyes sparkling as the wand flashed under the table and into her grasp, "I see you do…" Her head twisted to the side so Bellatrix looked like a demented baby doll… "Nighty-night, babies…"

The pair somehow contrived to knock heads as they went down…

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The entire BAU was in chaotic shambles. Things were charred and smoking, there was a hole in the ceiling through which rain was currently pouring, an unutterable word had been scorched onto his wall in what one could assume was blood… and two of his best agents were down.

Prentiss and Reid still had yet to wake, but they had managed to slam heads even after they'd been stupified, so that might be a determining factor… Hotch sighed and rubbed his temples. They really needed to come up with a better plan for next time Bellatrix Lestrange was caught…

So much paper work, the Aurors would not be pleased they'd 'lost' her again… Someone would work it out soon… A piece of roof caved in to land right in front of him, still on fire and yet saturated. Rain splattered on his shoes from the new 'skylight', something started to twitch dangerously under one eye.

And there would be a next time…

~)0(~

She was lounging on the couch by the time Emily dragged herself in, hauling Spencer behind her… the Bellatrix she could focus on –and there were three to choose from- looked a little chastened, "Did I hurt my dark babies too much…?" she queried softly, moving to catch Emily's face and scrutinise her appearance… Spencer fell over and decided to just stay there.

Jet Lag plus a Concussion could be pretty potent.

"Call me when the Grapefruit comes in for milk and cookies…" he murmured, and fell asleep right there; she'd find him a Weasley in the morning. The former Death Eater, now Dark Empress of the Freaking World, giggled and levitated him to the couch… Then she turned and snatched at Emily's hand like an anxious teenager…

"Come, come… Bella knows a way to make it all better…" she grinned lecherously. Emily shrugged and let herself be dragged upstairs to the bedroom, who was she to argue with her Queen…?

"Yes your Dark Majesty…"

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><p><strong>The End.<strong>

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><p><strong>REVIEW if you feel like it.<strong>

**~*SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire*~**


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